Fix it

For some reason I can't find any motivation to continue my blog. I miss it dearly and the days when I used to update it so very often seem to be so, so far away. So distant.
Not sure if I should call it motivation. It feels more like I don't know the purpose of this blog anymore. And this proves very upsetting for me.

A few years ago this blog meant so much to me. And so did art, to be honest. Now I've either lost myself or I don't believe in myself anymore. I don't know which is worse.
But what I'm certain of  is that I've completely lost any love for art. I suppose it's because I've been working far too hard to impress people who I shouldn't even care about. And in doing so I've lost what I liked about art and I've also lost any love for it. I simply don't know what I like and what I am in my works anymore.

And I still remember times when having a two day artistic block seemed so horrible. I want such days back because my love for making art would return after those two days without fail. Now I've been trying to find these feelings again for a whole year and I've failed myself so many times.



I've also noticed that I'm worrying about more and more things over which I have zero control. I really don't want to call these things existential but they're mostly like so. I worry about such silly things as the concept of time, how society works and similar, and I find it extremely stupid and senseless to do but at the same time I can't get these thoughts out of my mind. It's driving me insane and also strangling any happiness I have left in me. It's pointless and absurd but there's nothing I can do about it and I've tried many, many things.

I don't know when and why this self-deprecation started. And I've also been victimising myself which is even worse. I wonder how and why, and when did I become so weak.


So today I've decided to start with something that I can fix with little effort and in a few hours. I've thought about it and decided to find some of old music and.. Basically just find the music I really like rather than something I've been listening to just because others like and approve.

I used to be independent in my opinions but for some reason I've lost that as well.


But I suppose that fixing something that is broken takes some time and patience. I hope to work with myself this summer to really find myself again.