Fix it (2)

It's 1st of September already and I haven't got a clue how did the time pass so quickly since my last post.

As it's not all that surprising with me, I haven't really fixed anything I mentioned in my last post.
I find it amusing.
Sure, I've reintroduced myself to my own music and I did find a job so that I would occupy myself and be less depressed from day to day. I do love my job, I really do. The money is also a cute extra and surely will keep me happy for a while(as absurd as it is).

I've been trying to be happier and nicer to people and I think I'm doing quite well but there are still times(mostly when alone in my room) when I completely feel like giving up because I can't find a purpose for anything I do. It's stupid and a waste of time, these thoughts... But I've learnt to at least control them a little bit and suppress during the day. I suppose I could say I'm a little bit more tolerant around people. And I don't let myself get sad over things I have no control over. I understand that it's not worth it and all I'm doing is wasting my time I've been given to live this life.


As for art.. Nothing's changed. Still don't feel anything, still can't draw anything that satisfies me. I know I'm not trying hard enough but I'll take one thing at a time. I'm certain I'll get back to it at some point because I've spent most of my life drawing and painting, and I can't imagine quitting completely.

Fix it

For some reason I can't find any motivation to continue my blog. I miss it dearly and the days when I used to update it so very often seem to be so, so far away. So distant.
Not sure if I should call it motivation. It feels more like I don't know the purpose of this blog anymore. And this proves very upsetting for me.

A few years ago this blog meant so much to me. And so did art, to be honest. Now I've either lost myself or I don't believe in myself anymore. I don't know which is worse.
But what I'm certain of  is that I've completely lost any love for art. I suppose it's because I've been working far too hard to impress people who I shouldn't even care about. And in doing so I've lost what I liked about art and I've also lost any love for it. I simply don't know what I like and what I am in my works anymore.

And I still remember times when having a two day artistic block seemed so horrible. I want such days back because my love for making art would return after those two days without fail. Now I've been trying to find these feelings again for a whole year and I've failed myself so many times.



I've also noticed that I'm worrying about more and more things over which I have zero control. I really don't want to call these things existential but they're mostly like so. I worry about such silly things as the concept of time, how society works and similar, and I find it extremely stupid and senseless to do but at the same time I can't get these thoughts out of my mind. It's driving me insane and also strangling any happiness I have left in me. It's pointless and absurd but there's nothing I can do about it and I've tried many, many things.

I don't know when and why this self-deprecation started. And I've also been victimising myself which is even worse. I wonder how and why, and when did I become so weak.


So today I've decided to start with something that I can fix with little effort and in a few hours. I've thought about it and decided to find some of old music and.. Basically just find the music I really like rather than something I've been listening to just because others like and approve.

I used to be independent in my opinions but for some reason I've lost that as well.


But I suppose that fixing something that is broken takes some time and patience. I hope to work with myself this summer to really find myself again.

Communicate.

It's almost season.

Futurology

Why

"Neglezno, ja negribi."

Don't paint if you don't feel like it.

Advice from my painting class teacher. She's wonderful but brutally honest. I can take critique easily but she's very, very brutal. And she manages to hurt you without saying anything hurtful. I suppose she works on some energy level or something.

But it's good to feel like shit from time to time otherwise there would be no progress in my art. I spent the last half year struggling to believe in myself and contemplating life in general therefore her giving me a a cold shower really brought me down beyond infinity.

But now, after many, many long months spent in utter sadness, I realise that she actually taught me a lot. Not only about painting but also about myself(cheesy as all hell). I'm able to criticise myself better now and my values have changed. Also I've studied really hard art history in the last 7 months which also helped me broaden my mind about art. I realise now what I want to be and how I want to paint as well as draw. It's a shame this is my last year in this school before I go to a different one because I would really love to paint in her class for at least two more years. She gives wonderful advice through harsh words.

You just have to listen.